POMONA, Calif. — Legendary vegan metal band Feral Autopsy absolutely drenched their adoring fans with what was later revealed to be a fully plant-based imitation of pig blood, sources who were going to need a shower afterward confirmed.
“We know we’re the real deal, dude. Real hardcore, piss your pants black metal, birthed straight from Satan’s infected, festering pussy,” said Feral Autopsy lead guitarist Bobby Viscous while stabbing a plate of buffalo cauliflower with a Bowie knife. “But just ‘cause we like, refuse to kill a live calf for showmanship purposes, some fuckers think we’re soft. How many times do I have to trim my pubes with a chainsaw to prove I’m tough? Thank god for the food scientists, dude. Now I can chop up an Impossible Pot-Bellied Pig, toss it into an industrial meat grinder, and blast my fans with bloody innards without actually taking a life. I don’t think fans can even tell the difference.”
Many people in attendance at the sold out show were reportedly excited to see a cruelty-free animal sacrifice.
“It was gnarly, man! They came out in this full executioner get-up, totally still, whispering ‘you pushed me to this’ under their breath like they were under an ancient curse or something,” said superfan Zane Cox, who has a tattoo of a chicken wearing a PETA shirt shooting Colonel Sanders in the back of the head. “That pig they rolled out, it looked so real. We thought maybe he’d finally lost it, strayed from the path. The blood goes flying and I’m in the splash zone, so it basically fills my whole mouth. Color me surprised when I taste jackfruit! Or maybe beets? I hope they post the recipe on Instagram.”
Annabel Link, the chef who developed Feral Autopsy’s plant-based porcine sacrifice, thinks it might open up doors for vegan options among traditionally meat-centric stage rituals.
“For decades, it seemed like if you wanted to douse yourself in goat’s blood on stage, you’d have to actually slit one’s throat,” remarked Link. “But the demand for non-meat options in the animal sacrifice market is really growing. Picture this. Ozzy Osbourne could bite the head off a bat made from tempeh. Gwar could shower their fans with Beyond Blood. That’s the future of food.”
In related news, a hardline straight edge G.G. Allin impersonator was photographed rolling around in non-dairy shit.