PORTLAND, Ore. — American indie band The Decemberists announced that they finally located a time portal that will allow them to return to the 1830s, confirmed sources who gave a “that explains everything” look.
“When we first pissed off that wizard who sent us to 2000, I thought we’d never make it back,” explained lead singer Colin Meloy. “But lo and behold, we found a portal to our home time in a Walmart in Gary, Indiana. Myself and the lads can’t wait to hop through and get back to our lives chopping timber, trapping beavers, and swabbing three-decker ships. Hopefully President Jackson believes our bogey tale and will reward us with a tidy stipend for our survival in this accursed era. I’ll even bring back a flashlight to impress my drinking fellows at the local tavern. What a machine!”
Although the band’s imminent departure might be concerning to fans, special preparations were made to allow them to release new music.
“I’m sending our sound engineer Dave back with them,” said Decemberists’ manager Milo Oakland. “The majority of the music they released were just contemporarily popular shanties, ballads, bawdy tales, limericks, and riddles that didn’t make it to the 21st century. They then recorded it and we had some success. I struck a bargain with them that they’d keep recording these songs and bury them in a lead vault under the future site of the Empire State Building, and I’ll go down and dig them up and release them. In exchange I downloaded a list of bare-knuckle boxing champs of the 1800s for them to gamble on and get rich. If they knew how to use a computer I’d really be out of a job.”
Not everyone is so happy about the indie-rock group’s trip back to the antebellum era.
“What am I supposed to listen to while tending my lighthouse?” asked superfan Donald Potter while oiling his mustache and adjusting his suspenders. “I am out there every single day getting battered by waves and saving mariners from crashing into the rocky coast of Maine, and I’m supposed to do that listening to Foster the People like a jackass? This is most unwelcome news and I’ll be telling that to my antique globe collecting club.”
At press time, the band had reconsidered their return when they learned about the Civil War that was to occur a few decades later.