FARMINGTON, N.M. — Local man Derek Romero received the disappointment of a lifetime after the metal band he had devoted nearly two minutes of his life listening to turned out to be the singing kind and not the cool screaming kind, sources report.
“This band came up on some mix playlist I was listening to, and at first I was like, ‘yes, this band is gonna be my new shit’ — it had all the best stuff, super fast beats, riffs, surprising but somehow still easy to follow time changes, brutal cover art, all of it,” explained thrash appreciator, Romero. “But then when the vocals kicked in it was some weird opera wailing, and I still can’t figure out if the person was chanting something in Latin or just counting to 40 really slow. What a fucking total bummer and waste of ninety seconds.”
Fellow metal fans report similar instances in which they were “pissed as fuck” to discover moaning sounds from vocalists they fully expected to hear screaming.
“This is an emotion I have every single time Periphery or YOB or most stoner stuff comes on,” said metal appreciator Yancy Joggerst. “I am bummed almost without exception. Electric Wizard and Doom Side of the Moon might be the only ones that get a pass, but honestly, I don’t know how many more times I can put myself through this. It would be one thing if there were any red flags to spot, but I just get blindsided every time.”
While countless listeners have been left devastated by the fact that an otherwise awesome-sounding band has been ruined by the singing, fans of the genre defend the vocal stylings.
“I don’t understand what all the complaining is about. For my money, it just doesn’t get any better than hearing that double bass pedal stop what it’s doing to make room for the sweet moans of a grown man holding a note for upward of six seconds,” said metal guy and Torche superfan, Damien Sotomayor. “Either way, if they ever wanna really enjoy music they’re gonna have to get over their own bullshit. Your trust issues are your responsibility, don’t be putting that baggage on us, man.”
Across town, a hardcore fan threw her phone into a nearby arroyo after the youth crew-style band she checked out for the first time revealed death metal vocals about overcoming the odds.