FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated.
“Climate change is nothing but a scam, that’s why I decided to make this righteous ax that spews so much carbon it will open up a hole in the ozone layer anytime I play a solo. Think of it as a 25 horsepower middle finger to all those blue-haired communists,” said Nugent on his podcast which is sponsored by Exxon Mobil. “I wanted it to be as inefficient as possible, so this baby runs on diesel and unleaded at the same time for maximum pollution. I just wish I had thought of it sooner.”
The engineer who actually designed the purposeless guitar, Elliot Reese, had a different experience with the development process.
“This thing is an abomination. I only took on the project to hopefully make connections with artists I actually respect but, unfortunately, nobody wants anything to do with this psycho,” explained Reese. “It doesn’t actually make noise due to the diesel, but I put in a gas engine that just combusts and cranks out fumes to make it look ‘cool’ and destroy the atmosphere. It’s amazing I was even able to finish the guitar because every five minutes Ted would storm into the workshop and ask me if the ‘Six-string Sissy Killing Machine’ was done yet.”
Some Nugent fans like Travis Brooks, who witnessed the guitar’s debut at a Nashville show, didn’t let near-asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning ruin his good time.
“I tell ya, even though he’s getting up there in age, the Nuge still puts on a kickass show!” Brooks said between hits of his oxygen tank. “The fumes started getting to me real bad right when he started playing ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ but that only made the experience a million times better, damn near religious. Anyone out here who thinks he’s some sort of environmental hazard is a fuckin’ pussy.”
At press time, Nugent decided to shift his focus on improving the air conditioning on his tour bus because of the extreme heat all over the country and remained completely oblivious to the irony.