CHICAGO — A local doggy daycare center went berserk after the Smashing Pumpkins lyric “wanna go for a ride” from the song “Zero” played on the radio, confirmed sources who just wanted to get out alive at this point.
“We have a strict rule about never saying the ‘R-I-D-E’ word out loud for these exact reasons, and now we have two dozen amped-up dogs with no way to calm them down unless we pile all 25 of them into my Mazda 3 Hatchback,” said manager Leslie May while getting tackled by three golden retrievers simultaneously. “The Smashing Pumpkins are the worst thing to happen to dogs since Michael Vick. Asking a pup if they want to go for a ride and subsequently not doing so is animal cruelty. Billy Corgan needs to be more responsible when writing lyrical content for his singles. He will be hearing from our lawyers about the damages.”
The longtime Smashing Pumpkins singer didn’t see a correlation.
“After you write and record words for your songs, it’s up to the fans to interpret them for themselves,” said Corgan. “Sure, the lyric ‘wanna go for a ride’ to some may mean putting on a leash, hopping in the back of an SUV, and going to the dog park. For others, it may symbolize addiction or getting drunk at an Applebee’s on a Tuesday. But in reality, that lyric is a metaphor for asking someone if they want to go on the bumper cars at the fair. I just can’t get enough of those things.”
Experts knew all about the troubled relationship between dogs and music.
“It’s very common for songwriters to overlook the effect their lyrics have on domesticated animals,” said music historian Kate Melanie. “Like in Lisa Loeb’s song ‘Stay.’ Any dog that hears the word ‘stay’ will comprehend it like a command and won’t move the entire song. Worse yet, remember ‘Hey Ya!’ by OutKast? Well, in that one part where André 3000 goes ‘shake it like a Polaroid picture,” the dogs just hear the ‘shake’ part and will instinctively extend their paws at everyone within shaking distance. It’s absolute chaos, albeit adorable.”
At press time, the Smashing Pumpkins agreed to re-record the lyric to “wanna get some treats,” but it only made cats worldwide think they were getting chicken-flavored Temptations treats.