INDIANAPOLIS – Clearlake Elementary students were treated to a day of wholesome fun and learning when Sebastian Miller, former horn player for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, subbed in a third-grade classroom.
“When I left the Bosstones to start a family, I had to find another job where entertaining weird kids that are stone cold sober was useful. My first thought was joining the Chuck E. Cheese band, but substitute teaching just felt right,” Mr. Miller explained while placing tiny plastic kazoos in every student’s cubby. “Plus, kids love putting on costumes and dancing to nonsense songs, and that was, like, our whole thing. Looking back, being in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones was amazing on-the-job-training training for substitute teaching. There’s almost no difference between ska fans and elementary school students.”
Students spoke highly of Mr. Miller’s ability to make learning fun despite being the only teacher in the building wearing a three piece suit and porkpie hat.
“Most substitute teachers smell like my grandma’s bathroom, but when Mr. Miller taught us the history of ska instead of phonics, I knew class was gonna be effin’ awesome,” local third grader Ruby Crosby shouted while dancing on her desk. “I know using respectful language is the Husky way, but Mr. Miller called me a ‘rascal king’ and said his first rule is to always have fun. Today I learned cussin’ feels pretty dang fun. I also learned Mr. Miller’s band is older than YouTube. He looks really good for such an old person.”
Clearlake Elementary band teacher Jackie Willard praised Mr. Miller’s ability to produce measurable scene advancements in such little time.
“Instead of taking students to performing arts classes with other teachers, Mr. Miller played a variety of horns and taught the kids how to skank,” Mrs. Willard beamed while pulling a small group of students to reteach them how to take the bass for a walk. “But then I realized his lessons are a cross-curricular blend of PE, history, antiracism, and music. I’ve been saying for years that ska should not be taught in isolation. Maybe the rest of the staff will work harder to create the fourth wave after seeing Mr. Miller’s example. The least they can do is wear a wallet chain and care about the fundamentals of skanking.”
At press time, Mr. Miller was unavailable for further comment because he was busy teaching students how to chug Mountain Dew and burp the alphabet backward.