TRENTON, N.J. — Seven people were injured at the Starlight Ballroom on Saturday night trying to avoid free albums tossed from the stage by “the god-awful opening band,” panicked sources confirmed.
“I’ll never forget [that night] as long as I live,” said audience member McKinley Wyman, who managed to escape safely. “The opener was some shitty sludge band who all wore matching black tank tops. I figured, ‘Great — I can just check Facebook and enjoy my beer.’ But then the lead singer slowly pulled a small stack of burnt CDs out of his pocket… and all hell broke loose.”
A stampede broke out as terrified audience members dodged the free recordings.
“It was all a blur — at first, I remember thinking, ‘Who the hell even burns CDs anymore? Just give out a download code or your Bandcamp URL,’” said Faidra Tallie, another witness who narrowly avoided contact with the free merch. “Next thing I knew, I was on the ground pretending to be dead. I shattered two fingers, got a bloody nose, and lost a shoe… but I wasn’t stuck with that CD. That’s a win.”
Security footage confirmed the audience did clear enough room to allow all copies to fall to the ground. While authorities are thankful no one was seriously injured, victims such as Jennifer Reyes, who twisted an ankle trying to jump behind a large man, may suffer from PTSD for far longer than any physical injury.
“My ankle will eventually heal. But you know what wound will never heal? The horrendous, second-hand embarrassment I feel for that band,” said Reyes. “They were so certain we were really into their music. It was horrifying.”
At press time, the band seemed completely unaware of the disturbance itself, as well as the utter repulsion of the audience.
“Another amazing show!” tweeted guitarist Garth Mahey later that night. “But the lucky fan who caught our album must have dropped it on the way out. DM us for a fresh copy, dude!”