LOS ANGELES — Fans of the ‘80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe are reportedly heartbroken and disgusted after hearing bassist Nikki Sixx describe a time that he engaged in an undoubtedly consensual encounter with a woman, according to several sources.
“Nikki is dead to me,” said headbanger and Mötley Crüe fan since 1986 Leon Sprague. “A rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle requires that any sexual encounter must be mediated with the assistance of drugs or alcohol. It is especially helpful if these encounters involve secretly switching out partners in the middle of intercourse without the knowledge of the other person. I swear I’ll never listen to Mötley Crüe again. Not that I could anyway because I blew out my ear drums by listening to too much metal at full volume. Either way, ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ just doesn’t hit the same anymore, I imagine.”
Sixx spoke out in his defense in response to his anecdote.
“Guys, let me tell you something, I never knew how good consensual sober sex could be,” said Sixx while sipping on a non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri. “Yes, I had sex with a woman who was not under the influence and was also not under my employ. She also explicitly stated on videotape ‘I want to have sex with you Nikki’ and then provided me with three separate forms of government ID confirming that she was well over the age of 18. She even signed an affidavit attesting to the fact that everything happened was consensual. I forget where I was going with this but hey it was nice that for once I can recall what happened the next day.”
Rock ‘n’ roll expert Caroline Rede says this isn’t the first time fans have been disappointed by a musician’s behavior.
“There’s a plethora of rock ‘n’ roll scandals we could cover that upset fans,” stated Rede. “Like for example, how disappointed fans of The Monkees were to learn that they actually could shred their instruments. It really ruined their favorite fun fact. Or maybe the fact that Ozzy Osbourne was an ordained Episcopalian minister. Though hearing that Nikki Sixx understands consent seems to be particularly upsetting.”
At press time, fans were even more disappointed to hear about a time Sixx enjoyed feeding ducks at the park while completely sober.
