MILWAUKEE — Prominent businessman, and guest speaker at the Republican National convention, Anthony Winston warned Democrats to tone down their harsh political rhetoric during a divisive election year or they will all be “murdered in the streets like the dogs that they are,” confirmed sources whose voices were hoarse from cheering so loud.
“I see a lot of Democrats in office calling for peace right now, you know who else called for peace? Genghis Khan. Their perfect world involves hoards of maniacs going town to town teaching everyone about slavery and then giving them an abortion,” said a bright-red Winston. “What they don’t realize is we are only pro-life when it comes to beautiful babies. As soon as you vote blue you basically signed your death warrant. So to all the Democrat lawmakers out there heed my warning; stop talking about politics, fall in line, or the streets will run red with your commie blood.”
RNC attendee, and pledged delegate of New Hampshire, Thomas Armstrong was moved to tears by the speech.
“This country is broken right now, everything is way too politicized and I blame the politicians on the left. They keep saying the Supreme Court is eroding democracy as we know it, and it drives me absolutely insane. Whenever they run their mouths I calm myself by going to my gun shed and whispering ‘They will all hear your voice soon, you will speak loud, proud, and make heads explode’ to my assault rifles,” said Armstrong. “It’s just nice to know there are a lot of like-minded people in this room that are willing to kill anyone that disagrees with them.”
Noted political scientist Arman Derian believes this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
“Oh yeah, we are totally fucked. I mean not just mildly fucked, I mean bent over, spread open, and then devastatingly rammed. And to make it even worse, moving to Europe is out of the question now, things are only getting worse there too,” said Derian while researching remote Pacific islands. “I’m almost afraid to elaborate because I don’t want to end up on a list when the next Trump Reich starts. But I can say this, enjoy yourself as much as possible in the next few months. Pretend like a doctor just diagnosed you with terminal cancer, go see the world before it’s burned. There was beauty here once.”
At press time, RNC organizers were forced to remind attendees to refrain from masturbating whenever there was a photo of a gun on the big screen.