LAREDO, Texas – Only three weeks after now-defunct punk band Slowcooker announced their much anticipated return to the stage, the reunion show has been cancelled, with sources close to the group citing “pretty much all the same reasons the band broke up in the first place.”
Reports show issues within Slowcooker proved too great to overlook, as they immediately faced scheduling conflicts, unresolved resentments stemming from what drummer Brian McConnell refers to as “the Grand Canyon thing,” and the fact that original singer Evie Jimenez, who died tragically in 2011, remains dead.
“I really thought we could get over all the bullshit that tore us apart five years ago. Maybe we could if Brian would just drop the donkey tour thing, but the fact is, Slowcooker isn’t a band without Evie, or at least Evie’s body,” said guitarist Alex Rios.
Efforts to replace Jimenez with a different singer proved fruitless, with tensions further mounting when Rios suggested reanimating the late singer’s exhumed corpse — a motion which was vetoed immediately, though Rios said he “didn’t hear anyone else coming up with any brilliant ideas.”
“It is probably not as gross as you think,” said Rios. “Coffin technology is pretty solid these days, so if we just got some of her DNA, we might be able to make something happen during the next full moon.”
Despite their new-found wariness of their guitarist, the group compromised on a paper mâché effigy of Jiminez, which would only further disappoint.
“We kinda landed on this DIY, Tupac hologram-type thing, but we found out the hard way that when you try recreating $400,000 worth of hologram technology with newspaper strips and decoupage, the whole thing’s just gonna end up looking like shit,” said bassist Jeanie Garza. “Lesson learned.”
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After one last dispute over scheduling a rehearsal, Slowcooker conceded to the idea that a reunion simply could not happen with their original singer still dead, and cancelled the show earlier this week.
“Knowing what I know about necrotic skin tissue and circulatory systems, and these clowns settle on a fucking puppet? They wouldn’t even let me dig up the coffin to see if we could use her hair. I don’t know why I even bought all those shovels,” Rios lamented. “I swear to God I would quit right now if we weren’t already not a band anymore.”