VALPARAISO, Ind. — Local punk band Panama Root Canal enjoyed a record turnout last night for the Cleveland stop of their Midwest tour when their impromptu rehearsal was inundated by law enforcement and irate neighbors, sources confirmed.
“We had a couple days off between Cincinnati and Detroit,” said frontman Shiv McDonald. “So my cousin Spider said we could crash at his place in Cleveland and tighten up our set a little.”
The band reportedly began practicing in the open garage at 11:22 p.m., with permission from tenant Spencer “Spider” Evans and nobody else whatsoever.
“As soon as we hit the first note of our song ‘Enough Lies,’ people started coming out of the woodwork,” McDonald claimed. “It’s unreleased, so I don’t know how they knew it, but the whole crowd was chanting, ‘Enough! Enough!’ They were loving it! I gotta say, they were kinda old and didn’t really look like punks, but I guess they’re just the O.G.’s of the Cleveland scene. It means a lot that they came out.”
Bystanders report the burgeoning crowd was initially only Evans’ neighbors pleading for a swift end to the performance. As their demands went unmet, however, they were ultimately joined by several members of the Cleveland Police.
“So, we get a noise complaint around midnight,” said Officer David O’Hanley. “We find the perps making a god-awful racket in a garage at the scene. Usually these idiots just scatter when they see the cops coming, which makes my job easier… but not these guys. The jackass lead singer tries to hand me the mic and yells, ‘You sing the next verse!’ The only lyrics I understood was something about ‘roasting all the pigs.’ I’m not joining in that.”
While the unfinished garage quickly reached capacity, the crowd allegedly only grew, with the audience reaching critical mass as Evans’ landlord, two city exterminators, and a pack of wild dogs arrived around 2:00 a.m.
“If you count the girl passed out in the bushes, the Domino’s delivery guy who showed up on accident, and that body we found in the corner, we had at least two, maybe three dozen fans,” said McDonald. “We’re like the friggin’ Beatles or something! We can’t thank everyone enough for all their support.”