TORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls for fifteen years to bait Kendrick into talking about it, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“I’ve been working on this plan since 2010 when I brought that 17-year-old on stage in Denver and did some light groping and kissing,” explained rap superstar Drake. “I had the foresight to know that I might have a rap beef over a decade later and I needed to make a fool out of my opponent with fake information. I started formulating this persona as a groomer, and then I started to pretend to be predatory towards minors. Stupid Kendrick and his fans ate it all up. I got Billie Eillish’s number from my agency and started texting her when she was 17 to start planting some seeds. I didn’t want to do it, I had to do it to make Kendrick look like an idiot. It was all just a trick and you guys fell for it.”
Members of Drake’s inner circle seem to have less confidence in the psychological warfare than Champagne Papi does.
“My job was to leak false information to Kendrick,” explained Drake entourage member Big Cheez. “I tried to show Kendrick’s camp a charity that Drake started called ‘Drake’s Kids,’ but they just misinterpreted that as Drake having a bunch of illegitimate children. Which, of course, he does, but that’s entirely beside the point. And as Drake pointed out in his diss, no rich person has ever been a pedophile and gotten away with it.”
Long-term associates of Drake have been coming out of the woodwork to support his recent assertion that he was just pretending to be a scumbag for his entire professional career.
“Drake really fooled all of you wankers,” said actress Millie Bobby Brown. “There were all these big stories of him texting me when I was 14 and he was 31. Never happened, all part of Drake’s ruse. Could you imagine a fully grown man texting a child less than half his age? Nobody is that fucked up, it was all for show. I went along with it because that bitch-ass Kendrick called ‘Stranger Things’ names like ‘derivative’ and ‘snooze-worthy’ and I knew working with Drake would take him down. Eventually.”
At press time, Drake dropped an additional bombshell that he was just joking when he ignored his son Adonis until his existence was publicly revealed.