LAS VEGAS — The legendary punk band Rancid postponed their Punk Rock Bowling headlining set at the last minute after singer and occasional guitarist Tim Armstrong got his enormous beard caught in a casino slot machine, shocked sources confirmed.
“It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw… and I’ve seen some shit,” said Dwight Calaway, manager of the Thrifty Palm Casino across the street from the festival. “One second, that poor fella with all the tattoos and no shirt was yammering gibberish about the streets of Oakland; next thing you know, he’s got a foot of beard stuck in a King Cash-a-lot machine. He’s lucky he’s alive.”
Casino employees reportedly took great care in helping Armstrong, killing time before his band’s set at the 21st edition of the popular music and bowling festival, free his facial hair safely. Sadly, Matt Freeman, Rancid’s bassist and a longtime friend of Armstrong, claimed this was no isolated incident.
“Man, it’s always something,” Freeman said. “Before he was getting his beard caught in slot machines and stand mixers, he was getting his mohawk stuck in overhead compartments and car doors. It’s been happening for decades now. At some point, Tim’s got to get a reasonable haircut of some sort. We’re getting too old for this shit.”
Freeman is allegedly not alone, as many in the band’s inner circle hoped the two-hour fiasco would lead Armstrong to shave “even a little.” However, Armstrong himself quickly shot down rumors.
“Punk’s not about cutting your beard because you got it stuck in the neighbor boy’s bike spokes the other day,” said Armstrong. “Punk is about not letting anyone tell you what to do or what to wear, or what time you were supposed to be at the show by — that’s what punk rock is all about.”
Photo by Alfred Nitsch.