Press "Enter" to skip to content

Punk Treats Himself to Food From the Nice Gas Station

PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sean Schricker was spotted around lunchtime yesterday carrying a bag of food from upscale gas station and quick-service restaurant Sheetz, even though he wasn’t on tour.

“I’ve been having a good day, you know, and I had some extra money lying around from the show I played last night. And I’m sick of the Shell by my place,” said Schricker, eating his fifth mozzarella stick. “I was already out running errands, and everything lined up to grab lunch from a real restaurant in town.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve ordered a sub from a touch screen situated right by a public bathroom,” he added. “What would life be if we didn’t treat ourselves every once in a while?”

Witnesses confirmed Schricker’s presence at the gas station to purchase food in the middle of the day.

“We get a lot of punks and musician types in here, but they usually come in around 3 a.m., not noon,” said Sheetz cashier Donna Brown. “He wasn’t making eye contact with anyone, and he made sure to pay in cash — probably because he didn’t want to leave a paper trail. He definitely seemed ashamed to be where he was, when he was.”

Roommate Eric Fulton praised Schricker’s dedication to rewarding himself.

“There isn’t even a Sheetz close to where we live. The closest one is at least nine or 10 miles north of town, and you have to go on the highway, too,” Fulton said. “There’s no way he was just ‘passing by’ — he deliberately drove 25 minutes out of his way to get fried food from a 24-hour automotive gas and diesel depot mostly staffed by teenagers.”

“What a human mess. What an absolute piece of trash,” he added.

At press time, Schricker was seen stopping at a Sunoco to get gas for his car, which was running low from his nearly hour long journey to and from a different gas station.