BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.
“The hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!” said McCoy. “It’s important that my friends, family, and random cashiers at Walgreen’s know that I despise these types of Boomers in the ‘California Über Alles’ sense, not a ‘trickle down economics’ way. One time, my piece-of-shit uncle who voted for Reagan back in the day agreed with me. I was mortified! So ever since, I’ve had to preface any disparaging remarks about hippies with an equal amount of hate on Reagan. I hate Republicans more than anything, especially Bonzo.”
Most of McCoy’s associates seem to understand and even agree with his point of view, though feel his constant need to reiterate it speaks to some larger insecurity.
“Look, I get it,” said friend Heather Brant. “Whenever I would tell someone I didn’t like the latest Marvel movie, I always felt the need to clarify I wasn’t one of those anti-woke YouTubers with week-old Doritos stuck in their teeth who flip their shit any time they see the slightest bit of melanin. But then, I realized most people are actually pretty reasonable and aren’t automatically going to assume the worst of me. I think Chuck is caught between his need to make sure everyone always knows what he’s thinking, and his crippling fear that nuance is dead. If you ask me, he just needs to get off Twitter a bit. He’s right on the money about Reagan, though. Fuck that guy.”
Scene historian Tommy “Bones” Hernandez believes it’s difficult to agree with Republicans.
“Obviously, all hippies were capitalists in disguise, but it’s hard to hate on them publicly without coming across as a conservative,” Hernandez declared. “Hating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they don’t approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.”
At press time, McCoy was seen writing his thesis on the connections between the hippie movement and the rise of yuppie culture, despite not currently being enrolled at any academic institution.