LAS VEGAS – Sources report Kate Swanson, a local suburban mother and former Plasmatics tribute-band vocalist, was “humiliated” to be seen in public bringing her teen son to a rap-rock concert.
“Oh, my god. This is so embarrassing,” Mrs. Swanson allegedly muttered under her breath from her minivan, trying to avoid eye contact with any of the face-painted fans of the Murderous Detroit Clownz lined up outside the venue. “I hope no one recognizes me.”
Mrs. Swanson’s son, who prefers the moniker “Tyler Da Knifecutta,” presented an unwanted smile to his ashamed mother while slowly exiting her minivan at what she described as “the pace of a goddamned snail stuck in gum.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you!” said the younger Swanson, enthusiastically waving goodbye to his mother as she sped off.
“These kids think they’re rebelling against something, but they’re all just conforming to the same tired anti-establishment rhetoric sold to them at the mall,” Swanson said, glancing into a rear-view mirror adorned with a Misfits air freshener. “Did you see all that merchandise for sale outside the show? When did that start? This is all clearly just an attempt to capitalize on teen angst.”
In addition to his “unfortunate” musical preference, Mrs. Swanson expressed further shame for her son’s “vulgar, lower-class aesthetic.”
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“What compels a teen to wear makeup to ‘shock’ people? Look at that kid’s hair! You know it doesn’t just grow like that. His mother probably dyed his hair for him,” said Mrs. Swanson as she dug through her homemade purse covered in Ramones patches for a clove cigarette. “What a loser. It baffles me that necrophilia, face paint, and shock value are attractive to kids,” she added, rolling down her minivan windows and blasting TSOL’s “Code Blue” at full volume.
As of press time, Mrs. Swanson was in a nearby parking lot mentally preparing to pick up her son, who was practicing martial arts along with a series of grunts and street slang unable to be transcribed by Hard Times staff.
Article by Ray Mcmillin @RainManMcMillin. Photo by Jason Rogers.