FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing doors on its restroom stalls, according to pissed off sources.
“It’s a disgrace,” said Keith Skum of local band The Skumz. “I walked in to take a leak the other night and was shocked to see the stall had a fuckin’ door. It looked totally stupid. What do they think this is, the Ritz-Carlton? It’s a slippery slope, man. If they keep fancying things up, before you know it this place’ll be chock full of loser normies lookin’ for a dive bar to slum it in. I say if you don’t have the cojones to take a dump in the open, you don’t belong here. I actually try to make eye contact with people while I’m pinching one off as a show of dominance.”
Vito Esperanza, the club’s owner, says his hand was forced when it came to recent upgrades.
“You think I wanted to spend all that money on shitter doors and a sprinkler system?” said Esperanza while watering down a bottle of whisky. “The city made me do it. If it were up to me these dirtbags could shit in a hole in the floor. Fuck it, I don’t care what they think about me anyway. I’ve been at this for 25 years and I’m tired of getting shit on even though this is the only club that’ll let these jerkoff bands play. Just wait—when I retire and the place becomes a Panera they’ll all be crying online about losing such an ‘important part of the punk community.’”
City Health Inspector Claudia Ramirez says Vito’s has a long record of infractions.
“I’ve given them dozens of citations over the years,” said Ramirez while analyzing a biological sample taken from one of Vito’s beer tap lines. “There’s always something new and disgusting happening over there. It runs the gamut from years-old fry oil to room temperature raw chicken. Last year we found a nest of presumably deaf rats living in a PA speaker. So why haven’t we shut the place down yet? Let’s just say the Esperanza family has a lot of influence with city officials around here.”
At press time, someone had already torn a stall door off and used it to savagely beat another patron during a Skumz show.
