ROCKFORD, Ill. — Chicago punk Robbie Kaplan called attendees of last weekend’s Levin-Brady wedding ‘whiny posers’ and ‘crybabies’ as he was forcibly removed for repeated attempts at starting a mosh pit, annoyed sources confirmed.
“We knew Robbie doesn’t get invited to a lot of formal events,” said groom Vance Levin. “But he’s a good guy. I sort of wish I’d known he’s never been somewhere with a live band that wasn’t a punk show, though — we never thought he’d be so aggressive.”
Witnesses report professional wedding band Wendelle & The Heart Beats had just started into “The Cha-Cha Slide” when Kaplan ran to the dance floor and started slamming into fellow wedding guests — including children and the elderly.
“The last thing I remember was someone yelling, ‘Wall of death!’ before everything went black,” said 87-year-old Edith Levin while recovering in the parking lot. “I used to be quite the terror on the dance floor in my day, you know — I once danced for a month straight and won $50. But kids these days are too aggressive out there.”
For his part, Kaplan defended his actions, claiming that any injuries guests sustained were their own fault.
“If you can’t handle it, stay out of the pit,” a winded Kaplan said while smoking a cigarette with a busboy behind the DeMarco Banquet Hall. “I knocked into this one dude, and he’s like, ‘Ouch, my hip,’ and then this kid in a tuxedo just started crying. This was lamer than the pit at Warped Tour.”
Meanwhile, venue staff reported that most weddings have at least one guest who takes dancing too far.
“You’d be surprised how often this happens. Last month, during the chicken dance, I saw a guy dive through a cake like in that Guns ‘N Roses video,” said A.J. Lyons, a banquet hall waiter and drummer in the punk band The I-Witnesses. “I try to take dudes like Robbie aside before it goes too far and tell them that this kind of event is more like going to see The Pixies. He should understand that.”
Kaplan’s extended family is reportedly already scrambling to disinvite him from a family fundraiser to support his youngest cousin battling leukemia.