ITHACA, N.Y. — Tenants of a local punk house solved their issue of not having a working doorbell by smashing a huge hole into the front door and asking guests to scream into it when they arrived, confirmed sources who couldn’t think of any other way around it.
“We all got sick and tired of our lazy-ass slumlord ignoring our requests for a working doorbell, so we did what any self-respecting punks would do and used a sledgehammer to smash a 10 by 8 hole into the front door,” punk house tenant Megan Marquez explained. “Now we know when our Grubhub driver is here to deliver food, or if they’re being brutally murdered. Not to mention the cross-breeze feels quite refreshing this time of year. The only downside is that we frequently mistake the screams coming from next door as guests ringing our new doorbell. Some people just do not have manners.”
Landlord Richard Stratford was less than pleased with the new addition.
“I showed up to do a routine inspection, and found bugs, bats, bees, plus a family of raccoons that made their way through the new ‘doorbell,’” Stratford said while patching up the hole with duct tape. “Not only that, but they have holes kicked in walls throughout the place, and they are calling them ‘doorbells’ too. They also took it upon themselves to make a bathroom doorbell, a crawl space doorbell, and an attic doorbell. I think I’m going to need to jack up their rent by a couple hundred bucks now.”
Skuz Wilson, dubbed the “Punk Rock Bob Vila,” made his career out of providing tips on DIY home projects.
“The old ‘smashing a hole in the door doorbell’ is a classic from my third video, ‘You Can Get Vomit Out of That, and Several Other DIY Work-Arounds,’” Wilson explained. “In that edition, I also provide a failsafe way to unclog your toilet using only a crowbar, as well as an easy way to put up that mailbox you’ve always wanted using only an axe. If you order now, I’ll even throw in a pack of smokes and a sixer of Steel Reserve! Just make sure to sign the mandatory waiver that comes with every DVD.”
At press time, the tenants of the punk house made their own in-ground pool using a tarp and mostly rain water.