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No One Wants to Give Punk CPR

HOUSTON — Tragedy nearly stuck at a nearby Long John Silver’s last Sunday when no concerned patrons or workers felt comfortable administering CPR on choking punk T.J. Sciggs, grossed-out sources confirmed.

“He started choking, but no one was doing anything… I actually thought that dude was gonna die!” said cashier Daryl Bo, who was working the closing shift when the incident occurred. “I mean, no judgement, though — I’ve studied CPR, and I know the Heimlich maneuver, but I kept quiet about it. This is my only set of work clothes, and I could smell that guy from the bussing station… so I really didn’t wanna get near him.”

Sciggs was reportedly enjoying dinner with friends when he choked on a fish stick.

“It was super crazy, for sure, but I guess everyone else wasn’t sure what to do… and I was still kinda drunk from earlier that morning, so our hands were tied,” explained Sciggs’ roommate Jess Matolka. “He tried getting help from the other customers, but everyone just sort of started yelling that ‘someone’ should do something — even after he fell on the floor and passed out.”

“It was a long 15 minutes, that’s for sure,” she added.

While some customers were put off by the idea of getting close enough to Sciggs to ensure his safety, others had a different interpretation of events altogether.

“That guy was serious?” said Brenda Steen, who was having dinner with her husband. “His shirt said ‘Choking Victim’ on it, so I just figured he was doing some weird performance art thing or something. Oh, geez… I feel bad now that I kept telling him to knock it off, but at least I didn’t yell at my kids to get away from ‘it’ like those other two ladies did.”

Luckily, Sciggs eventually coughed up the piece of food lodged in his throat and rejoined his friends at the table — all of whom found the incident “totally hilarious.”

“This is why we feel the way we do about society,” Sciggs said. “At a show, if you get knocked down, you get picked right back up. At Long John Silver’s, they’ll just watch you choke to death. What scum.”

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