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Garbage Truck Driving Behind Punk Band’s Tour Van Can’t Believe the Stench

PATERSON, N.J. — Local garbage collector Vince LePaglia couldn’t believe the putrid stench emanating from the tour van of punk band The Oozing Lesions that he was driving behind, according to sources who now believe they have smelled death.

“My eyes won’t stop watering and think I’m gonna puke,” said LePaglia while stuck in traffic behind the band. “I’ve driven a garbage truck for twenty years hauling the most horrific smelling things you can imagine, but this is next level. I think I’ve been in and out of consciousness and I’m worried I’m about to pass out. I don’t think there was anything that could have prepared me for this, even though trash is in my blood. I’ve never really been a religious person, but after the offensive waft from that van I not only believe in Hell, I believe we are living in it.”

Lead singer Tommy “Tongues” McCree explained how they purposely target pungent-smelling vehicles to hide their odor.

“It’s no coincidence. We like to do most of our driving on collection day to mask our filth,” stated McCree as he drove by pedestrians plugging their noses. “We’ve memorized all the garbage routes in the area and also like to follow manure trucks around so the local health authorities don’t catch wind of us. We had to adopt these tactics after we were once pulled over by cops at gunpoint thanks to an urgent CDC bulletin that notified them of a reported biological weapon on wheels targeting dive bars. We did make the paper though, which was cool.”

Expert in environmental pollution Nia Jacobs described the punk community as one of the world’s largest contaminators.

“If you think fossil fuels are bad for the environment, I’ve got news for you,” Jacobs stated. “The punk lifestyle is undoubtedly ruining our planet, with more CO2 gasses emitted from the backseats of tour vans and squats than most people realize. The film that grows on their unwashed skin breeds bacteria so resistant to antibiotics that it can threaten entire populations. The problem is so dire that many researchers believe punk-caused global warming is now the second biggest existential threat to human survival. The first is obviously climate change caused by major corporations. Either way, we’re all screwed.’”

At press time, LePaglia was finally able to get some relief after his truck broke down in the slaughterhouse district.