Well, it’s that spooky time of year again. Halloween is almost here and now that you’re a parent with young children it’s time for the most terrifying thing you can imagine… interacting with other parents and their kids at the local neighborhood Halloween party.
You are now thrown into a nightmare of unsupervised children and their parents who want to chat about tree nut allergies and how hard it is to plan for their 3rd grader’s path to an Ivy League school. The only way you know to drown out this claustrophobic suburban cacophony is to volunteer to play DJ for the night. And what better playlist for a night of ghoulish Samhain Eve celebration than the Misfits?
Be careful though. Even though the Misfits might seem like Sesame Street Singalong to your seasoned punk ears, some parents may be offended by the lyrics and you’ll find yourself kicked out of the PTA faster than you can say gluten-free muffin. Fret not, we compiled twenty Misfits songs not to play to avoid this from happening. Not that you really want to plan a bake sale or be a chaperone for the museum field trip anyway. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
20. Mommy, Can I Go Out & Kill Tonight?
A song about a quiet student who goes around killing his classmates was pure fiction in the early ‘80s but now that there seems to be a school shooting every nine seconds maybe skip past this one.
19. Children In Heat
Honestly we have no idea what this song is about. All we know is it’s not very Halloween-y and there is something about urinating blood for a week? What we do know though is that if you play this for the kids the concerned parents in your neighborhood are gonna have a field day talking trash about you on their Nextdoor message group.
18. Devil’s Whorehouse
Playing a song for kids on Halloween about the devil is borderline acceptable (unless you live in the South) but you surely don’t want to be the parent who has to explain what a whorehouse is.
17. Die, Die My Darling
You could probably sneak this one into the playlist but only later on in the party when the parents are all on their fifth glass of Pinot Noir and the kids have hit the sugar coma.
16. Dig Up Her Bones
The title and lyrics to this are perfectly appropriate for a spooky little kids’ party and there is nothing really here that will get you banned from your neighborhood but this is from the Michale Graves era though and you know you really can’t do that to these poor kids.
15. Angelfuck
You could possibly get away with playing this if every time they say “fuck” you cough loudly to cover it up. Then it would just sound like “Oh little angel” cough. Be careful though because with all the coughing everyone is going to think you are some kind of anti-vaxxer.
14. Hollywood Babylon
Even though you’ve been listening to this song for decades you probably just sang along to the chorus without really paying attention to the rest of the lyrics. Heaven is doing WHAT on her chest? Yikes.
13. We Bite
It’s not so much that the lyrics are too much for kids it’s more the fact that it will probably trigger that little dickhead Julian who goes around biting everyone. Then it’s somehow going to be your fault that he has sunk his teeth into some kid’s arm and not his parents who are pretending not to see it happening.
12. We are 138
This song doesn’t really seem to be about anything related to Halloween. In fact, we have no idea what this song is even about – Misfits reunion ticket prices maybe? What we do know is you don’t want to play the live version of this song because Henry Rollins is on it and some dad will start telling you how Rollins is now “too woke” to play a cop in movies anymore like he did in the ‘90s.
11. Death Comes Ripping
Even though it has that great line about the heat “burning your balls off” this is one you should just listen to on your own. Speaking of your balls though, have you made that vasectomy appointment yet? All these screaming children around you right now should be a good reminder.
10. Bullet
The kids haven’t had a history lesson yet about how JFK got “unalived” by a lone gunman or possibly the CIA (whoever you choose to believe.) And since Danzig gets all Danzig-y at the end of the song talking about getting a blowie from Jackie Onassis, maybe skip this one.
9. Bloodfeast
Sure, when you were a kid you loved how gory the lyrics to this were. But you were born in a very different time than these kids. And also based on the number of meds you’re currently on, maybe your childhood shouldn’t have included listening to songs about ripping off people’s faces?
8. Where Eagles Dare
On the spectrum of offensive curse words “goddamn son of a bitch” isn’t really that bad. But it is probably something these kids hear from their grandparents especially when talking about Joe Biden. And what could be more horrific for the kids on Halloween than reminding them of the political shitstorm of a world they were born into?
7. Spinal Remains
Sure, the lyrics are not appropriate for children, but really this song is nothing to write home about anyway. And you don’t want to scare yourself by realizing that one of your favorite bands isn’t actually as good as you remember.
6. Skulls
A song about skulls… on Halloween? Good heavens, no! This is too triggering! Now let’s all get back to our adult discussion within earshot of the kids about Israel bombing Gaza hospitals and schoolchildren.
5. Attitude
Out of all the songs the Misfits have this is the one you are probably going to want to play the most because the lyrics perfectly encapsulate your feelings about your normie Lulu Lemon-adorned neighbors. Just don’t expect to be invited to the next wine and book club meeting.
4. Last Caress
Playing this song will not only get you kicked out of the PTA, it will also get you disinvited to any future block parties, garage sales, neighborhood kickball games, or Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. So yeah, you really have nothing to lose throwing this one on.
3. The Monster Mash
The original is a Halloween party classic so it seems like this would be ok but the Jerry Only era of vocals is somehow even worse than the Graves era. Hard pass.
2. Halloween
Seems like a no-brainer playing Halloween for the kids on Halloween until they notice the part about “dead cats hanging from poles.” Then you’re going to have a room full of crying children and irate parents.
1. Halloween II
Even though some of these overly-zealous parents have been trying to get Latin back into the curriculum for some fucking reason Danzig doing his satanic ceremonial Latin chant is probably going to raise some finely manicured eyebrows.