SARASOTA, Fla. — Beloved local air guitarist Lance DeStefano is recovering after overdosing on imaginary drugs backstage before a performance, according to concerned fans.
“Most air guitarists play classic rock songs, but I’m one of the few who does punk. I guess I really adopted the punk ‘live fast, die young’ ethos,” explained DeStefano, en route to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. “Most of my punk heroes did drugs—I just wanted to be like Johnny Thunders or Dee Dee Ramone. I started off by pretending to smoke a little weed or getting fake-drunk on the weekends, but things escalated. I moved on to air oxys and eventually became a full-on air junkie. The air overdose scared the shit out of me, though. I’m totally clean now and focused on training for the upcoming US Air Guitar Championship.”
Fortunately for DeStefano, he was found in time and saved by a fellow air performer.
“A bunch of us were performing that night at a club in Bradenton. I went backstage to get Lance because he was up next,” said Craig Phelps, who air drums to nu metal songs. “I saw Lance lying on the green room floor, not moving. I could totally picture the paraphernalia scattered around him—a needle, a spoon, a lighter—so I knew what happened right away. Luckily, I always carry air Narcan on me for just such emergencies, and I pantomimed administering the life-saving drug. Lance made it, but not everyone has been so lucky. We’ve lost a lot of air performers in recent years. Air fentanyl has hit the community hard.”
Psychologist Mia Keller says DeStefano’s “overdose” shares characteristics with psychosomatic illness.
“People who perform with air instruments live in a world of imagination. The longer they engage in this artform, the further they slip into an illusory realm where they believe they are actual rock stars playing real instruments,” said Keller. “Of course, the rock and roll lifestyle carries with it the risk of substance abuse. If an individual such as Mr. DeStefano is very deep in their delusion, they could be at risk of succumbing to fictitious addiction and even overdose. Unfortunately, most treatment centers at this time do not accept patients who are addicted to imaginary drugs.”
As of press time, DeStefano had relapsed and was spotted buying an empty baggie from an air drug dealer.
