WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in Yemen, sources confirmed.
“Morale has been a little low around here lately, so I thought I’d give a special shout out to some of our brave soldiers fighting behind enemy lines, like our Marines currently positioned at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E,” said Hegseth, cans rattling underfoot as he swayed at the podium. “So if you happen to run into them, make sure to thank them for their service—oh, I almost forgot, the parole word is ‘Grisham’ so they know you’re friendly. Say you know what’d be fun? Sharing some fun facts about these fine warfighters, so here’s a list of their mothers’ maiden names, the street they grew up on, and the names of their childhood pets.”
Special Operations Officer Rick Grant has reportedly been trying to reestablish contact with the Marines for the past several hours.
“We lost contact with the Marine Raider unit shortly after Secretary Hegseth’s statement, but I’m sure they’re fine—once I figure out which ‘Fox and Friends’ host is next in the chain of command I’ll fly it up the flagpole and get this all sorted out,” said Grant. “There’s always change to operations with a new Secretary of Defense, and sometimes that means you lose a couple Marines, or you have to dump an F/A-18 Super Hornet off the USS Harry S. Truman to make room for folding tables for the beer pong tournament.”
President Trump was reportedly displeased that he hadn’t heard from the unit on Memorial Day.
“Have you heard about these Marine Army guys in Yemen, folks? Just up and disappeared without having the decency to call their Commander in Chief and wish him a Happy Memorial Day, can you believe that? Very rude and poor behavior that was tolerated by spineless Joe Biden, but no more!” ranted Trump during the Memorial Day service at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. “Even Abdul-Malik al-Houthi called me today, we had a very nice chat. I said Hootie—that’s what I call him, you know he’s a very handsome man—I said Hootie you can keep those ingrates and lock them up for all I care, then maybe then they’ll learn to respect their President.”
President Trump reportedly concluded his speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier by producing a golden shovel and asking if anyone wanted to see a dead body.