Press "Enter" to skip to content

Poser at Oi! Show Wearing Bald Cap

NEW YORK — Local poser James Morgan reportedly wore a bald cap over his luscious head of hair in order to fit in at an Oi! show this past Saturday, scornful sources confirmed.

“This lineup is bloody bonkers, mate. The Ball Busters, Societal Scapegoat, and Boot Company? For only ten quid? I’d have to be daft to miss this one bruv,” said Morgan, obviously uncomfortable in a new pair of Doc Martens. “I’m proper chuffed! These lads really know how to make authentic working-class rock’n’roll. I’ll be dancing all evening in my bovver boots and gettin’ trollied on bevvys. Truth to tell, I almost didn’t make it to this gig. My bird said she didn’t want me going out and getting pissed. I told her to slag off (in a cheeky way) but ended up making a huge cock-up of it. I hope she’s not too miffed.”

Michael Waite, Morgan’s co-worker at white-shoe law firm Barker & Charles, says Morgan has been acting strangely this last year and it’s starting to impact his work.

“James has consistently been one of the top attorneys at our firm, but over the last year, he’s started to change a lot,” said Waite. “He jokingly started referring to himself as a working class ‘bloke,’ spent part of his substantial year-end bonus on a vintage cutdown Vespa, and got really into soccer…I’m sorry, ‘football.’ However, his behavior really reached a critical point when he showed up to work one day wearing a bald cap. When a senior partner reprimanded him, James muttered ‘bollocks’ under his breath and stopped wearing it.”

Sarah O’Brien, owner of Funny Tymes Gifts, says she’s been struggling to keep her novelty bald caps in stock amidst a wave of interest in Oi! among New York elites.

“As soon as I get a new shipment of bald caps, these fancy professional-types are scooping them right up,” said O’Brien. “I guess a lot of these guys want to fit in at specific concerts or something. Some of these men have the most gorgeous hair! I wouldn’t want to cut it either. Ladies come by, too. Just last week, a woman came in asking if it’d be possible to hot glue hair to the front and sides of one of our caps. I just said, ‘Sure hon, that shouldn’t be a problem!’”

At press time, Morgan was on his iPad searching for an online dialect coach to help develop an authentic sounding Cockney accent.