MANCHESTER, England — An Oasis 2024 Reunion Tour is currently in the works after Noel Gallagher finally sent a Venmo payment to his brother Liam Gallagher for the £8 he’s owed him since 2009, sources close to the brothers confirmed earlier this week.
“It was the same old shit with him, man. I owed him a couple shekels for two vodka sodas and he let it blow up into this big huge thing,” said the elder Gallagher brother. “He’s always trying to be the martyr. Imagine all of the fucking music we could have been making if had just let this slide. I know for a fact that me mum gave him the 8 quid years ago, but the wanker said ‘That doesn’t count.’ He kept her money though, the right prick.”
The legendary rift between the two brothers was solidified in 2009 after an argument over a bar tab, but according to Liam, the argument went much deeper than a few measly drinks.
“Listen, when we got to the bar me, and Noel both agreed that we would each have our own separate tabs. He looked me in the eye and told me that he would,” Liam said. “Then when it came time to close out I saw that this bloke put five vodka sodas on my tab. When I confronted him about it he only paid me for three. Aren’t we brothers? I’m supposed to play for tens of thousands of people every night knowing that he owes me for two drinks? It’s about so much more than just the two drinks, it’s about trust. I’m happy to put this behind us, but I’ll always have both of my eyes on him from now until the day I die”
David Waterman, a top Manchester therapist for treatment, was hired by the duo’s mother Peggy Gallagher in hopes of having her sons finally on good terms.
“This was one of the most severe cases of emotional avoidance I have ever seen,” said Waterman. “First off the session started late because Liam didn’t bother to show up, when we finally started the session it was just two hours of complete silence with the two men staring at each other menacingly. I finally suggested that Noel just Venmo Liam the money he owes him. The transfer went through, they shook hands, kissed each other on the cheek, and then left. They both need some serious help .”
At press time, the Gallagher brothers were apparently in another argument about guitar strings Noel borrowed from Liam without asking.