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No Room on Setlist for Song Bassist Wrote; Next Time for Sure Though

CHICAGO — Punk band Doormat’s frontman promised last night that the band would “for sure” play their bassist’s song, “The Mason-Dixon Lie,” at their next gig, after they couldn’t find a proper spot on their setlist, according to sources close to the band.

“Oh, man, I forgot all about it… and the setlist was pretty full by the time he brought it up,” said frontman Greg Mazur while taping the setlist to the stage. “And the way I laid all the songs out for tonight is kinda perfect the way it is. Plus, we have a lot of special requests. We don’t want to disappoint the fans.”

Bassist Brian Wozniak tried to convince his bandmates to cut their cover of Patti Smith’s “Free Money,” or the extended “free jam” section — which was expected to last up to 12 minutes of their 25-minute set — but had no luck.

“I just wish [Wozniak] would get the hint — he pitched this song six months ago. It took another three months before we broke down and ran through the song at practice,” said guitarist Darrell Cale. “This is the fifth gig in a row where we either ‘forgot’ to put his song on the setlist, or ‘ran out of time’ at the end of the set to play it.”

Wozniak allegedly wrote the song about his experiences on the road during a 2017 tour.

“It’s filled with every trite, band-on-the-road trope you can think of,” said drummer Payton Dowd. “Bad food, ignorant hicks, running out of gas, sleeping on floors, forgetting what town you’re in. It was a three city tour! And it sounds a lot like ‘Basket Case’ by Green Day… other than Brian’s rap breakdown.”

Those close to Wozniak claim he’s admitted privately that if the band doesn’t play his song soon, he plans to just start the bass line during a show. “What are they going to do, ignore me and play without a bass?” Wozniak said. “Yeah, good luck with that!”

Photo by Kat Chish.