LOS ANGELES — Representatives of the greater music industry, which had been actively seeking potential employees since the 1890s, announced at a press conference this morning that they are “no longer hiring.”
“We truly appreciate everyone’s interest in this business,” said Capitol Records CEO Steve Barnett. “Honestly, we’re inspired by the passion many of you have shown. But we have to face reality here. At this point, it would make far more business sense to simply re-sell the product we have rather than add to an already extensive inventory, made possible by such exemplary employees as Billy Joel, Ghostface Killah, and 4 Non-Blondes.”
Many experts claim declining sales and an inability to adapt to a changing media landscape led to the industry-wide hiring moratorium, but Warner Brothers Entertainment CEO Kevin Tsujihara points to a century of manufacturing what is now an intangible product as the key factor in the decision.
“We’ve reached the summit,” said Tsujihara. “And I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say, thank you to all the hard-working team players who got us to this point. But we’re just not in a place right now to add to the workforce, thanks to the ongoing returns from laborers like Rihanna, Led Zeppelin, Miles Davis, and Outkast.”
Epic Records CEO L.A. Reid, asked whether or not any layoffs the industry previously faced play any role in this decision, quickly put that rumor to rest.
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“It’s well known we let much of our staff go sooner than we would have liked,” said Reid. “But for every Marcy Playground, Hoobastank or LMFAO, there’s a Madonna, a Wu-Tang Clan, an AC/DC. The business always had a way of balancing these things out.”
“We will absolutely keep all applications on file, but realistically, we don’t expect to be on the hunt for any new hires for some time, if at all,” Reid added. “I understand YouTube has no shortage of exciting entry-level positions. Maybe give them a shot.”
The CEOs then took a moment to remind all applicants that unpaid exposure is “invaluable” before boarding a private Gulfstream bound for Monte Carlo.