WASHINGTON — Anti-immigrant crusader Morrissey abruptly canceled his appearance on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series one hour before he was set to perform, citing “the foul smell of curried death” coming from the NPR staff lounge, confirmed sources who wish they brought a sandwich to work.
“I’m not some kind of special diva when it comes to performance. I don’t need a crystal goblet of green M&Ms or anything like that,” said Morrissey from his tour bus. “The only thing I ask is that the audience and staff, and anyone that might enter the venue, abide by my rigid stance on the murder of innocent animals. Also that no one talks to me directly, looks me in the eye or mentions Johny Marr’s name within earshot. And for the love of God keep your barbarism out of the microwave, that smell wafts. Hell is an enclosed space that smells of reheated poultry flesh.”
All Things Considered Host, Ari Shapiro regrets his lunch decision and sent a heartfelt apology to the show’s fans.
“I’m really very embarrassed at how the whole scene unfolded. I was running a little late this morning, I knew I’d be in meetings all day so I just needed something quick for lunch,” said Shapiro when discussing his reheated leftovers. “More than Morrissey canceling, I’m embarrassed that I ordered the most basic and pedestrian item on the India Palace menu and now the whole world knows about it. If I could go back in time, I’d have certainly gone with an aloo gobi or a spicy dal. I’m quite mortified actually.”
A spokesperson for PETA immediately issued a statement on the unfolding scandal.
“We applaud Morrissey’s decision to cancel the performance in light of this grotesque contribution to the leftover-genocide,” said Jenifer Greene, PETA’s media liaison. “But honestly we’re trying to distance ourselves from the Morrissey brand these days. Over the last several decades, he’s been able to do some great work but unfortunately due to the negative associations the public has with him, we’d appreciate it if he’d stop mentioning us in interviews, wearing our logos, and offering to perform at our benefit concerts.”
Update: Morrissey tweeted an apology to his fans for the canceled performance followed by half-a-dozen xenophobic remarks on the vulgarity of “ethnic cuisine.”