Press "Enter" to skip to content Listing Clearly About Frontman Position for Mötley Crüe

LOS ANGELES — Popular job board recently posted a position that was clearly about becoming the new frontman for Mötley Crüe, hesitant applicants reported.

“We don’t want anyone to think a legacy metal band has resorted to trolling a job board for a new singer. Let’s just say we are an exceptionally dedicated cover band with a generous touring budget looking to hire a new singer between now and later today,” said hiring manager Thomas Leesmith. “Regardless, the ideal candidate should have one to three years of crowd work experience, a basic knowledge of hairspray brands, and a passion for singing about trashy women. The ability to lift a 50-pound mattress out of a hotel window isn’t required but is certainly desired.”

Job seekers who applied and were able to obtain an interview said they were subjected to a line of questioning that raised red flags.

“I just graduated with a music degree, and in typical fashion I’ve had no luck finding anything in my field until I applied for ‘FRONTMAN NEEDED ASAP.’ Ten minutes later, I had a Zoom call come through with some tired, vaguely familiar old guys dressed like my dad 40 years ago,” said potential candidate Patrick White. “They didn’t even ask any questions relating to my musical background, just stuff like who was my favorite Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and if I thought Vince Neil was a little bitch. I passed on it anyway because it required 100% travel, and I can’t find a dog sitter on such short notice.”

Representatives from would neither confirm nor deny the source of the job listing, but did see that it fit a pattern of bands from that era.

“As older bands’ royalties start to dry up, they need to hit the nostalgia circuit in order to maintain their lifestyles. There’s a substantial amount of washed up ‘80s hair metal acts whose original members are either dead or not on speaking terms, so they come to us,” said data analyst Meg Foreman. “From frontmen to groupie wranglers, we estimate about 70% of these acts troll job boards for new members, while about 30% go the nepotism route and bring in their kids. I can’t confirm if this is the real Crüe, but I’ll admit this is eerily reminiscent of how Gary Cherone joined Van Halen.”

As of press time, the job listing was updated to clarify that while the position does come with health insurance, it would not cover any pre-existing STDs.