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Metronome Helps Man Count Time He’s Wasted Pursuing Career in Music industry

LOS ANGELES — Local aspiring indie rock musician since he was 14 years old, Adrian Kidwell, reportedly credits his metronome with counting the time he whittles away trying to forge a career in the music industry, according to supportive sources.

“I’m playing much tighter now, with every click reminding me of all the time, money, and prospective relationships I’ve wasted and sunk down the drain in the pursuit of being a working artist,” he explained while tapping his foot to the count of 60 BPM. “I’ve never been more in time, with each beat taking me closer to dying broke and alone, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it without this thing.”

Guitar Place owner Valerie Dowd recalled having supplied a wide variety of tools for musicians to distract themselves from the bills piling up thanks to the van they bought with strangers they met online two years earlier.

“As a small business, we understand how difficult times are for emerging artists,” Dowd said. “That’s why, in addition to stocking the best instruments, amps, and tools for indie musicians who play to crowds of two or three people waiting for the headliner, we recently began offering music lessons. Our instructors offer classes specially designed for these artists, teaching everything from how to improve their vocal pitch when crying in the shower to which mic cables make the best hanging ropes. Someone’s gotta look out for them.”

Jon Billings, a representative for Sony Music Entertainment, explained that competition in the industry has never been steeper for the many suckers who apparently are not too concerned with ever being able to own property.

“When I hear that sound of absolute passion and a near-lifetime of determined expression in a sample, the knowledge that every beat is bringing someone one step closer to a miserable death alone and unknown is what allows me to get up in the morning and be driven here to work every day,” Billings explained. “I know that’s the type of artist I want to string along for a few meetings before ultimately deciding to rep the teen with the most TikTok followers.”

At press time, Kidwell was optimistic that the new tuner he was eyeing would help him hear the exact moment he’d need to abandon his dreams and get a corporate job.