DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they were officially drawn out of the band under new state musical redistricting, confirmed sources.
“This is a small price to pay for fair representation and continued musical growth within the great state of Iowa. Slipknot just got too large and needed to be broken up to make room for smaller country and pop artists. The map doesn’t lie,” said Governor Kim Reynolds, holding up a redrawn map of the state that quizzically resembled a pentagram. “As Iowa’s population has, unfortunately, decreased since the band’s formation it is, frankly, undemocratic to have so many musicians consolidated into a single band. We welcome them to form their own individual acts that more represent the values and traditions of the citizens of Iowa.”
Slipknot was devastated to learn that the changes meant the band would lose one of its three percussionists, their jug bottle blower, and a guy dressed up as a zombie scarecrow that didn’t actually play an instrument.
“This is bullshit, man. Look at these lines, they clearly consolidated the Owl City fans into a single grouping to cut us out,” said frontman Corey Taylor, removing his mask to reveal another, sad mask underneath. “We’ve survived fights, lawsuits, and replacing Clown four separate times without anyone noticing, but we can’t overcome this. Are we even Slipknot if we don’t have a member in a Spirit Halloween costume covered in Dayglo paint playing feedback off of a gas-powered chainsaw?”
Experts say the development highlights the unintended cultural consequences of extreme political redistricting.
“Slipknot is really all Iowa has going for it and to dismantle it in this way is a loss for everyone. When gerrymandering reaches this level, it’s not just democracy that suffers, it’s art,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a political-musicologist professor at the University of Iowa. “Iowa’s always been divided between rural and urban, conservative and liberal and Slipknot was really the only thing we could agree on. Now what do we have? Seth Rollins?”
At press time, Slipknot announced that they must now officially be known as “Slipknot (District 4),” while the displaced members are rumored to be forming a new project called “Unincorporated (515),” which will feature three drummers and one government appointed corn lobbyist.
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