MILWAUKEE – Local trivia team “Ethereal Pursuit” developed a reputation as an easy crew to beat within the local bar trivia scene due to the…
Machine Gun Kelly Threatens to Cover “Aerials” Again Unless Five Million Dollars in Unmarked Bills Left at Secret Drop Zone
LOS ANGELES — Machine Gun Kelly threatened to once again butcher a beloved System of a Down song on national airwaves if federal officials did…
Christmas Miracle! Mall Santa With Visible Pantera Tattoo Holds Off Day-Drinking Until Noon
DALLAS — Patrons of the NorthPark Center believed they witnessed a Christmas miracle when a mall Santa with a very prominent Pantera tattoo refrained from…
Sell Outs? There Are Hot People at This Metal Band’s Show
I’ve had a feeling this was coming for a while now and I’m sad to say that Encased In Ice has officially sold out. They’ve…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity…
I’d say that I pretty much only listen to metal. Mostly doom metal. And some stoner and sludge. Well, also some blackened death metal. And…
MINNEAPOLIS — Lifelong municipal waste enthusiast Rex Grunderson was overjoyed when recently discovered that there’s also a band with that name, sources confirmed at the…
Blood-Soaked Man Desperately Explaining GWAR to Traffic Cop
BALTIMORE — Local metalhead Matt Franklin attempted to convince a police officer that the blood and bodily fluids covering his body were due to the…
GLENDALE, Calif. — Two of nu metal’s most respected acts, System of a Down and Deftones, announced a co-headlining tour under the moniker “Nu Metal…
Tool Setlist Written in Wingdings
ST. PAUL, Minn. – Longtime Tool superfan Tim Linstrom claimed the setlist he stole from the stage of their Twin Cities concert was written entirely…
High School Metal Band Adds OFFICIAL to All Social Media Channels in Case Impostor Accounts Ruin Their Good Name
LONGVIEW, Wash — High school metal band DeathRot added the word OFFICIAL to all of their social media handles in order to prevent fradulent accounts…
Band Releases Signature Coffee Beans to Let Fans Know They’re Done Making Good Music
RENO, Nev. – Local doom metal darlings Swamp Creatures released their new signature coffee beans to let their fans they’re absolutely done making good music,…
Embarrassing: Black Metal Band Unaware They Have Death Metal Name
OSLO, Norway — Members of the black metal band Flesheating Cadaver are reportedly entirely unaware that they have accidentally chosen a death metal name, vicariously…
HELL — Ruler of the underworld and Dark Lord Satan admitted that even after all these years, he is still flattered whenever he hears a…
DETROIT — Crowd members attending a show headline by doom metal band Wretched Wizard questioned the band’s authenticity when they noticed their lack of long…