ST. LOUIS — Guinness World Records announced that Dave Flenderson broke the world record for the longest-running Smiths phase in history, confirmed sources who didn’t know that was a thing but were happy for the winner regardless.
“It’s an honor to have broken such a historic record,” stated Flenderson while styling his hair into a Morrissey-inspired pompadour. “I mean I can’t say I’m surprised, because I’ve been listening to them for a good six months now. Turns out, I just beat out my friend Brian who was going through a third divorce/mid-life clusterfuck and ended his Smiths phase after eight weeks. Plus, I’m in the Smiths’ top .000000001 percent of listeners on Spotify, which means I got to purchase a $250 exclusive, limited edition cassette of Morrissey sighing wistfully for five minutes. It’s pretty badass.”
Despite Flenderson’s excitement, some of his loved ones were less than enthused by his world record.
“Do you know how fucking insufferable he’s been during this whole thing?” remarked Amy Richards, Flenderson’s childhood best friend. “He pouts all the time, he’s always protesting the queen even though she’s super dead, and he somehow works the words ‘charming’ and ‘coy’ into every single goddamn conversation we have. Also, do you know how many times he’s forced me to ride elevators with him just so we can roleplay that scene from ‘500 Days of Summer’? God. If he tells me one more time that ‘meat is murder,’ I think I’m gonna shoot a cow right in front of him.”
Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr warned about the dangers of consuming too much of his former band’s music.
“I am very happy for this guy for beating the world record. Good on ya, Dave! Personally, I can only go four or five days, and a good two weeks if you can take out Morrissey’s vocal tracks,” stated Marr. “Dave should probably go get some therapy or shit because it sounds like he really fuckin’ needs it. Our music was not meant to be experienced over a long period of time. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself migrating to Morrissey’s solo work. And when you’ve reached stage four Morrissey fandom, that’s when you know there’s no going back to normalcy. Be careful out there.”
At press time, Flenderson’s record was taken by someone else after they needed something depressing to help cope with the death of their beloved cat.