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Man Blurts Out “I Can’t Make It” Before Friend Says When Band Is Playing

SARASOTA, Fla — Local man Daniel Mulrennan made a potentially friendship-damaging mistake moments ago, blurting out, “I can’t make it” before his friend even said when his band’s show would be, second-hand embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I can’t face Sam [Avakian] if he knows I hate seeing his band. I tried asking a heavyset guy who was taking a piss if I could hop on his back, hide under his shirt, and then we sneak out together… but he was weird about it and fucked off,” Mulrennan said from the bathroom as he tried to come up with another plan. “I know saying I got cancer and can’t attend any shows during chemo is bad juju, but I’m desperate.”

While Mulrennan loves his friend, he admitted that supporting Avakian’s creative endeavors is emotionally draining.

“You got to understand, I’ve always supported Sam, whether it was an open mic set, his latest music project, or even the dreaded improv show. I just need a break,” said Mulrennan. “Do you know how soul crushing it is to hear someone you care about say, ‘How’s everybody doing tonight?’ and you’re literally the only person in the audience? I don’t know how many more of those I have in me.”

Avakian, still awaiting Mulrennan’s return, is reportedly somewhat suspicious, but willing to give his friend the benefit of the doubt.

“I briefly mentioned my show a bit ago, and Danny said he couldn’t make it. Then his eyes started darting back and forth and he screamed, ‘Toilet! Toilet!’ and ran for the bathroom,” said Avakian. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it, though — he’s always saying how much he loves watching me play music. I’ll send him a Facebook invite and Google Calendar notice while I wait for him. I’m sure he’d be bummed to miss it.”

Meanwhile, bartender Tammy Demetriou, who has witnessed many similar encounters in her career, had some sound advice for the well-meaning friend.

“Have a kid. It’s the perfect excuse for getting out of anything you don’t want to do,” Demetriou explained. “Of course, it also means you won’t have the time or energy to do anything you actually want to do, but it will spare you a cover plus a two-drink minimum.”

At press time, Mulrennan’s current plan is to commit to attending Avakian’s show, buying Mulrennan time to investigate how to fake his own death.

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