CHICAGO — A local jam session reportedly went so awry that for the first time in millennia, none of the participants suggested they should start a band, astounded witnesses say.
“Usually, musicians are jumping at any opportunity to start a shitty band,” remarked Bobbi Irwin, who butchered his role as drummer during the doomed jam. “But I’ve never been so out of sync with a group of people in my life. After that horrible display, we all agreed to die with the secret of what transpired in that sweaty garage, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ style. Nobody made a single stank face of approval the entire time! Do you know how impressively bad that is? The best we got was an ‘eh, maybe?’ but that was immediately followed by a ‘no, absolutely not, never mind.’ Even the bassist understood the weight of the situation. The bassist!”
Local passersby who heard the cacophony coming from the garage felt the need to weigh in on the tragedy as well.
“Those guys had the same chemistry as a rock-climbing group chat with your ex-landlord,” said Nina Nixon, a pedestrian out walking her dog around the site of the incident. “Any time anyone had a modestly interesting idea to contribute, it was immediately met with confusion and miscommunication. There was a flutter of excitement at one point, the guitarist started playing this little riff, and the drummer lit up and started laying a beat on top of it. But that was until the guitarist revealed he was just playing ‘Smoke on the Water,’ and you could just feel the hope die right then and there.”
A researcher of musicology at the University of Chicago, Dr. Heath Hunt, remarked that this jam session was particularly interesting to academics because of how incredibly pathetic it was.
“I’ve never heard anything come even close to sucking this bad in my entire academic career,” said Dr. Hunt, rewinding the taped recordings of the jam and scribbling down notes. “After only 14 minutes, the participants had already put down their instruments, booted up ‘Mario Kart,’ and ordered a pizza. This is a statistical anomaly that will be studied for a long time. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty musicians that have somehow convinced themselves that they sound good enough to form a band, but miraculously, everyone involved in this jam session understood that it was best they never see each other ever again, for the greater good of the scene. Captivating!”
At press time, the musicians had all locked themselves away to avoid causing any more harm or even accidentally starting a band with each other.