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LANDR Algorithm Sends Life-Like Excuse for Why It Can’t Attend Album Release Show

MONTREAL — Manufacturers of online AI-driven mastering software LANDR announced a new feature today that politely declines a band’s inevitable invitation to the release party of the work LANDR mastered, according to sources.

“Honestly, our developers were getting way bummed by the sheer number of invitations sent to our no-reply email inboxes,” admitted coder Justine Lovrien. “I guess it’s a testament to the quality of our software that bands still think a human being is mastering their songs instead of an algorithm. But, holy shit… it’s incredibly depressing.”

Developers promise the automated responses are far from generic, randomized replies, as the algorithm uses the band’s music as data input for generating a totally made-up excuse.

“Yeah, me and my homies in Ducks Fly Together got the sickest-sounding masters from LANDR, so of course we invited it to the EP release show,” said pop-punk vocalist Braxton O’Hare. “It replied that its ex already RSVP’d ‘Yes’ on Facebook, and it wouldn’t be able to withstand the painful sight of her. I been there — tough break.”

Black metal band Cement Bath were duped by an entirely different sort of response.

“LANDR really brought out the drums in our new album, so we hoped it would catch our set at Downtown Lounge,” explained drummer Kelly Johns. “Unfortunately, it’s on house arrest for trying to set fire to the juicery that replaced the old magicka shop. Doubly awful for us was that we were going to ask it to sit in on bass. But we totally understand.”

Some, however, are concerned about what the software’s elaborate excuses may mean for them when attempting to avoid future shows.

“This is a nightmare — for years, I’ve been coasting on the fact that I’m in my early 30s as reasons to skip out on my friend’s gigs, and it’s been no questions asked,” said local friend Claudia Soto. “I don’t even think a false ‘Interested’ is gonna fly anymore. Thanks for nothing, fucking stupid robot.”

LANDR developers announced that the next major version of the software will feel more truly lifelike, as they plan to add an animation of a music producer holding a headphone up to one ear and pushing up a fader while grinning and bobbing their head.