LOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.
“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Shane’s half-way open, inebriated eyes looking back at me, I was back to annoying people with drunkenly singing ‘Dirty Old Town’ in their faces again in no time,” McLaughlin said. “From that point on, I could tell Shane was by my side keeping me safe, and surprisingly out of the drunk tank, for the rest of the night, and beyond.”
Stacy O’Bright, bartender and owner of “O’Bright’s Bar and Grill,” was bartending the night McLaughlin saw the holy image.
“That guy was a menace. He would periodically keep looking down at the pile of viscous liquid and pickled sausage chunks he barfed up, smile and wink at it, then try starting fist fights with the drunk college kids who were here to do Dropkick Murphys karoake,” O’Bright stated. “This is an Irish bar and grill, you think I want some guy dressed as a leprechaun getting hammered, stumbling all over and causing a scene? I can’t have mine be the laughing stock of all the Irish bars in the area, I have no time for that sort of drunken riff-raff.”
Legendary Boston Irish punk Dennis Sweeny claims Irish punks all over the world have been witnessing Shane MacGowan’s image in the short time since his passing.
“It seems as if wherever there is a drunken Irish punk, Shane is there with them,” Sweeny explained. “As a matter of fact, you don’t necessarily even need to be Irish for him to appear. I have a friend who is originally from Jordan who claims to have seen his face in the toilet bowl during a night of dangerous levels of drinking. He mysteriously started singing ‘A Pair of Brown Eyes,’ after later saying he’d never heard the song before, and continued to drink everyone under the table. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!”
At press time, Irish rocker Bono would inspire those who saw his image in their piles of puke to quit drinking and find rehabilitation immediately.