CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.
“She said ‘hell yes!’” exclaimed Felton before shouting to the band to play “Post Mortal Ejaculation” to really “set the mood.” “I’ve been planning this proposal for a good hour and I was even able to bargain with the guy at the pawnshop for the ring, so the stars were clearly aligned tonight. Really wanted to use ‘I Cum Blood’ as our first dance song at our wedding too, but Jade is really hoping for it to be ‘Fucked with a Knife.’ I’m sure we can iron out the details later, but for now we celebrate love and this shirt I just bought from the merch table with two bloody corpses licking each others’ rotting skin in a dungeon while their intestines ooze out of their abdomens. What a day.”
Felton’s fiancé couldn’t be more excited to spend the rest of her life with him.
“He’s just such a romantic dude,” said Oliver before showing off her ring to the only other woman at the show. “He’s been known to tear his sleeve off and prop it over a puddle so my feet don’t get wet. He also lets me wear his battle vest when I get cold. Not to mention, he opens doors for me and then immediately shuts them for people behind. Before the show, he even gave me a dozen dead roses and the still-bleeding heart of a cow. And they say chivalry is dead.”
Experts were quick to note other similar instances during live events.
“Many a metalhead have been known to hit most of their life milestones at shows,” said music historian Graham Revorton. “Just last week, one couple somehow closed on their first home and signed all the paperwork during a Deicide set. Another held their entire wedding ceremony during a Cattle Decapitation show. The families were none too pleased. And there’s even been at least one instance of a metalhead giving birth in the middle of a Dying Fetus set. They left the placenta and everything. Metalheads have no shame.”
At press time, Felton and Oliver had to postpone the wedding after they couldn’t get Morbid Angel as their wedding band and were forced to look elsewhere.