RICHMOND — Legendary metal group GWAR reportedly cut their usage of onstage fake cum to approximately five barrels a day after new tariffs increased prices to unsustainable levels, drenched sources in the front row confirmed.
“GWAR has always given fans the best, and we’ve always sourced our cum from a classified location on a planet beyond Scumdoggia in the 7th Level of Hexorgan Centari,” said Blöthar the Berserker, who took the helm for the band after his awakening in 2014. “For centuries, the trade federation was peaceful with Earth, but suddenly the galactic balance is out of order, and now we have to pay more for our precious semen. Times are so tough that we’re even considering holding a cum drive charity event to restock our reserves.”
Prop master for GWAR Allen Steubing discussed the task of keeping the band fully stocked on various bodily fluids.
“We’ve always sourced our blood domestically, which is not only great for the local economy, but fiscally responsible as it keeps shipping costs fairly low,” said Steubing while testing the viscosity of a fresh batch of puss. “We tried domestically sourcing spermatic fluid from all around Earth, but it just wasn’t the same. Even with the shipping expenses across several million light years, the extra cost is worth it. Hexorgan Centari cum really is the best and GWAR fans will not tolerate being soaked by anything less.”
Dr. Heidi Bauer of the University of Pennsylvania Economics Department was highly critical of the tariffs and believes their intended impact is not being felt.
“Tariffs like this always have the same consequence, it’s essentially a sales tax on working-class heavy metal, the fans, and the bands. Imagine being an immigrant metal band who came to America to pursue a dream and rule over the human race, and suddenly, you gotta pay 40% more for your bodily emissions,” said Dr. Bauer, while thumbing through a stack of Roadrunner Records compilation CDs. “While importing products like electronics, avocados, and ejaculate may seem like sending money out of the US, it ultimately frees the domestic economy to focus on different sectors including high-tech manufacturing, information technology, and intergalactic theatrical heavy metal.”
At press time, PornHub was rumored to be tapping its vast cum reserve to take advantage of rising prices.