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Guy Who Rented Van and Rest of Band Have Different Views on “Treat It Like a Rental”

STILLWATER, Okla. — Doorjam guitarist and licensed driver Cory Adams passionately disagreed yesterday with his bandmates on what the phrase “treat it like a rental” means during the first day of a two-week tour, multiple sources who believe Adams “needs to chill out” confirmed.

“Since I’m the only person on the rental agreement, and I’m responsible for any damage done to the van, I think it’s fair to ask the other guys not to do shit like set off fireworks under the seat,” said Adams, who admitted he “sounds like a broken record.” “When [bassist] Kevin [Doyle] was driving and kept jacking the e-brake in the Wal-Mart parking lot, it wasn’t funny — it was just fucking up the tires and bending the trailer hitch.”

Adams’ bandmates, who believe the cost of damages is built into the rental price, claimed they’re “just having fun.”

“I will admit, if this was our van, I definitely wouldn’t have popped off the cover of one of the back speakers and peed inside — that’d be fucked up. But since this isn’t my van, I really don’t give a shit,” said Doorjam frontman Mike Kelly. “Also, this rental company didn’t even cover the cost of gas, and that’s been the most expensive part of the tour so far. So, yeah… pardon me for cutting a few holes in the upholstery.”

Enterprise Rent-A-Car associate Elmer Clifford noted malicious destruction to their rental fleet is a common occurrence, especially with young bands.

“Just last week, a metal band returned a 16-passenger van they used to go to Kansas City… which came back on a flatbed, because I guess their drummer tried to drive up a steep hill at full speed and launch over some flaming trash cans,” said Clifford. “He ended up doing severe damage to the vehicle’s chassis — not to mention, there was so much spilled beer on the back seats that our upholsterer told us they’d never actually dry out. Basically, the thing is totaled.”

At press time, Adams was desperately pleading with his bandmates to not throw the mattress from the hotel room he’d just rented into the pool.