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Guitarist “Going Out for Smokes” Abandons Band to Pursue Lifelong Dream of Starting Family

MINNEAPOLIS — Guitarist Bradley Eflin claimed last night that he was “going out for smokes” before allegedly abandoning his band of 12 years to pursue a “crazy, lifelong dream” of starting a family, heartbroken sources confirmed.

“I always felt I had what it takes to make it as a family man. But as a millennial, being able to financially afford a family seemed like a pipe dream,” said Eflin. “But if I don’t go for it now, then when? I don’t wanna look back on my life years from now and regret not trying this.”

“I hate that I’m turning my back on my band,” Eflin added, “but deep down, I think they know it’s for the best.”

Drummer Amit Kingery claimed the band was blindsided by Eflin’s choice, and are unsure how the group could ever “pick up the pieces.”

“Bradley said he was going to the gas station for cigarettes… which was odd, because he doesn’t smoke, and everyone else in the house said he could bum one from them,” said Kingery. “Then he muttered something about ‘…actually needing those weird sex pills the gas station sells,’ and ran out the door. It wasn’t until after he drove off that I realized what happened. How am I going to tell our poor little bassist?”

Friend and fellow musician Cecilia Hutchinson sympathized with Eflin, but ultimately believes he should have stayed with his band.

“We’ve all had those silly daydreams about being a parent and living in the suburbs with a normal 9-5 job, but it’s just not realistic,” said Hutchinson, whose own band has struggled to find any success over the past 11 years. “Bradley was always so loving and supportive towards his band — I never, ever thought he’d become another deadbeat guitarist.”

Ironically, Eflin reportedly broke up with his serious, long-term girlfriend Isabella Russo just before joining his now-former band.

“Yeah, we were very much in love… then he dumped me because he wanted to ‘focus on his music,’” said Russo, now a married mother of two. “If only he could see me now: sleep-deprived, frazzled, and usually covered in baby puke and toddler piss. Basically, I’m living the dream. And to think, he could have had all of this.”

Photo by Jeff Vernier.