DANBURRY, Conn. — Guitar Center employee Cody Simmons was recently crushed to death by an avalanche of Squier starter packs that came loose after a customer played a particularly face-melting solo, sources that now have to work overtime to cover his shifts confirmed.
“Cody was one of my best sales associates,” mourned assistant manager Howard Clark. “Incidents like this tell me that we still have a long way to go when it comes to the safety of our merchandise displays. My staff is still referring to the President’s Day AmpStravaganza incident from this past February as the ‘hail to the grief’ sale, and now I’ve gotta deal with this. It’s bad enough that corporate wants us to push these shitty Affinity Precision Basses, but it only adds insult to injury when you catch the corner of a 15 watt Fender Rumble amp to the small of your back when the entire structure collapses, which it does frequently.”
Simmons’ parents Gale and Peter Simmons are devastated by the loss of their son, and demand that better safe measures are put in place to avoid future occurrences of Fender fatalities on the sales floor.
“If anything good could come out of Cody’s death, it would be a safer workplace for everybody,” lamented Mr. Simmons. “Our boy is gone, and for what? So some little shit can practice guitar for three months before quitting? Mr. Clark doesn’t even seem to care. He thinks wrapping those novelty caution tape guitar straps around the display is a suitable warning to patrons and employees, but it seems like a sick joke considering how often this kind of thing happens.”
Guitar Center higher-up Sally Roethfeld weighed in on the necessity of the monolithic starter pack display, and how it’s absolutely vital for the continuity of their business.
“There will always be collateral damage in the form of staff casualties when you get down to brass tacks. But unfortunately, the bad press and insurance payouts don’t outweigh the staggering amount of sales that we make to parents who have absolutely no fucking clue what to buy for their kids when they step into one of our 304 locations. It’s heartbreaking that we lost yet another top selling associate under a pile of basswood and cardboard, but if we don’t sling these things by the dozen, then we’ll have to close up shop for good.”
At press time, Simmons’ coworkers were found standing on top of a Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier trying to change a lightbulb.