CLEARWATER, Fla. — A gonorrhea outbreak during an outdoor Bret Michaels concert at the BayCare Sound was somehow less unpleasant than the show itself, repulsed sources report.
“I don’t know what I was expecting going to a solo Bret Michaels show, but man, that was awful,” concertgoer Ronnie Sanders said. “I mean, I’m not surprised that I caught gonorrhea from that old lady with the Confederate flag calf tattoo after we hooked up in one of the Port-A-Johns, but I am a bit taken aback at how depressing the actual concert was. The yellowish-green discharge coming out of my penis was definitely horrid, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as watching Bret perform ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ with his anonymous backing band. I’d rather catch gonorrhea a dozen more times than have to suffer through that again.”
Teresa Juárez, a doctor at a nearby MedExpress, relayed her experience treating the cases the next day.
“This happens every time Bret Michaels comes to town,” Juárez sighed. “I knew I was going to be seeing hundreds of gonorrhea cases over the few days following the concert, so at least this time I was prepared. I definitely don’t enjoy spending my day looking at a seemingly endless line of swollen testicles and bloody vaginas, but it certainly doesn’t sound nearly as bad as the stories I’m hearing from the show itself. ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ isn’t a great song to begin with, but seeing a geriatric Bret Michaels encore with it while a guy wearing a MAGA hat vomit into a trash can next to the Miller Lite kiosk in your peripheral vision makes it sound so much worse.”
The Poison singer had a different take on the show.
“Man, what a kickass set that was,” Michaels excitedly said as he changed into a fresh bandana. “It’s times like these where I’m glad I decided to stop ‘Rock of Love’ and get back onto a touring schedule. I could see the audience was really going crazy when we played ‘Unskinny Bop.’ Some of the people were actually listening to the music and not even drunkenly dry-humping each other or passing out. One guy with a ‘These Colors Don’t Run’ tank top and a faded green barbed wire tattoo on his bicep was even playing air guitar!”
At press time, Pfizer was developing a new type of antibiotic specifically for sexually transmitted diseases caught at hair metal concerts.
