MANCHESTER, N.H. — An out of control bachelor party based on the theme of shock-punk legend and provocateur GG Allin resulted in the lifetime ban of at least six patrons from a local Dave & Buster’s, horrified sources confirmed.
“We attempted to stop the party at the door, but five individuals managed to creep in while our security guard was wrestling with a man who would only refer to himself as ‘Retch,’” stated Assistant Manager Gerald Warner. “By the time I was able to confront them, they had smeared feces on several of our arcade games, including Dance Dance Revolution. I managed to make my way to a gentleman that was actively defecating on the bar while shooting drugs between his toes. As I was politely asking him to get down, he spit in my mouth and just kept screaming ‘Suck my ass! Suck my ass!’ repeatedly. I had no choice but to deactivate their Power Cards that instant. It was awful.”
Friend of the groom and organizer of the event Roger Reynolds was disappointed to have such an important moment disrupted by Dave & Buster’s security and management team.
“There are only three things my boy Joey loves more than his partner in life, and that’s jalapeño poppers, skee-ball, and GG Allin,” sighed a bloodied Reynolds. “This was supposed to be a fuckin’ magical night and I didn’t even get to see the look on my guy’s face when the boys re-enacted that show where GG shat all over a pool table. Only us real scumfucs know about that one. We practiced it for months, too. I can’t believe I shaved the middle part of my mustache just to be kicked out by that dickhead security guard.”
Seasoned punk historian Johnny “Bones” Harrison agreed that a GG Allin themed bachelor party was a good idea, but believed location is important.
“Look, it’s 2023. People are less tolerant than they used to be of excrement, self-mutilation, and all the other far worse things that are associated with GG Allin. You have to be careful where you do that kinda shit now,” explained Harrison in between huffs of paint thinner. “You just can’t pull a stunt like that at a fine arcade establishment like Dave & Buster’s. They really should’ve held that type of themed event at Chuck E. Cheese. They let you do anything there.”
At press time, Warner was seen cleaning what he hoped to God wasn’t semen from the toilet seats in the men’s restroom.