Success in the music industry is less about talent and more about who you know. More specifically, it’s about who you know and are able to bond with on an intimate, physical level. That’s why it’s so important to initiate intimate skin-to-skin contact with every new show promoter within 1-2 hours of load-in.
Don’t believe us? Well, here are five fantastic reasons to rip that off that ratty Anti-Flag tank and start bonding before you have to sound check.
1. They’re More Likely To Latch
Show promoters listen to a ton of bands. All day they sift through show requests and all night they watch touring bands leave it all out there on the stage. So how are you supposed to get them to latch onto your specific band? You could give them a demo like the other 3,000 acts they’ve listened to this week or you could delicately remove each other’s black tees and mash your exposed chests together for a half hour. Studies show this makes a promoter infinitely more likely to latch onto your unique sound, and it can pay huge dividends later on in the lifecycle of your band.
2. It Reduces Crying
Especially early in their career, promoters take on a lot of stress and listen to a lot of really garbage punk music. A constantly sobbing promoter can make it extremely difficult to relax with the boys at the bar between sets. That’s why it’s essential to put in the time (and the skin) early in the night. The gentle, slightly off-time thump of your heartbeat through your warm flesh will lull even the fussiest promoter into a deep sense of calm, allowing you some much-needed rest and time to yourself, which every new touring band needs.
Related: I’m Trying to Teach My Kid How to Be Punk but She Won’t Listen to Me
3. It Promotes A Healthy Weight
As we all know, it can be extremely difficult to maintain a healthy figure while working in the music industry. The hours are strange, exercise in a cramped van is difficult, and most shows are located miles away from any Trader Joe’s locations. If left on their own, show promoters will either eat so much Wendy’s they can barely walk, or they’ll forget to eat entirely and develop early onset scurvy. That’s where skin-to-skin contact comes in. With quick thinking, a swift, naked bear hug can stop a promoter before he can finish ordering a Baconator. And if they’re underweight, dribbling a kale salad and some locally sourced chili con carne onto your chest can be the perfect reminder for a promoter to stop and take care of themselves. Remember, a healthy promoter is a promoter that’s less likely to be upset that your band only sold six tickets to your mom and her friends.
4. It Prevents Post-Show Depression
Not every benefit of skin-to-skin contact is for your little promoter — it can be good for you too! At some point every band experiences post-show depression. Maybe the lead singer couldn’t hear themselves, maybe your drummer forgot their kick drum, or maybe you never actually learned to play any instrument at all! No matter the reason, rubbing some skin with your show promoter has shown to boost your self-esteem and soothe any mental angst. Your band might still suck, but at least you’ll be riding the high that comes from knowing you’ve bonded with your show promoter on an intense, corporeal level.
5. Maybe Your Ex Will Be Jealous
Look at her over there crawling all over her new boyfriend. Might as well try publically getting naked with this promoter and see if she gets jealous. Maybe if she can see how nurturing you are she’ll want you back. It’s worth a shot.
Photo by Cole Anton Lamb of Vultures