WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more people thinking Ghost is a metal band, sources report.
“Education cuts by this administration will cause issues we could not have foreseen,” advised DoE official Shemeca Anderson. “Currently, roughly 36% of the American public believes Ghost is a metal band despite their music clearly being synth-pop. We have reason to believe that number can as much as double in the next ten years without desperately needed funding to music education. Now more than ever, children need to be given the tools that enable them to discern between genres of music so this trend can be halted, and that absolutely cannot be accomplished with money instead being diverted to give tax breaks to billionaires.”
Concerned parent Beverly Horwitz expressed her consternation at the news.
“I don’t think this was such a profound issue when I was growing up,” Horwitz mentioned. “I don’t have a musical bone in my body, but I was able to obtain a basic rudimentary understanding of what constitutes different music genres through what I learned in elementary and middle school. Now I fear that my six-year-old son Heath won’t be afforded the same experience in the coming years. The thought of him growing up to think that Ghost is a metal band doesn’t sit right with me. It just seems so tragic and preventable.”
Ghost fan Dom Serris did not see the issue with the cuts.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Serris said. “I grew up going to public school in Mississippi, so I barely had any music education whatsoever. However, I know enough to consider Ghost a metal band. In fact, they’re one of my favorites. Just look at how the lead singer dresses like an evil pope and sings about Satan. What more information do you need to conclude that they’re a metal band? Also, they won the Grammy for Best Metal Performance in 2016 for their song ‘Cirice,’ and who knows metal better than the people who decide the nominees and winners for those awards? I think these DoE dweebs are just freaking out over nothing, like they always do.”
At press time, experts were further concerned that the funding cuts would result in people thinking synth was a necessary part of all metal music.