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Everything You Thankfully Missed at Coachella This Year

Were you one of the seven billion people in the world not at Coachella because you had to work? Well, you actually didn’t miss out on much. Here is everything you thankfully didn’t get to experience in person.

$15 Beers

You saved a ton of money if you stuck to the $12 ones at your local bar. Good on you for being so frugal.


Coachella takes place outdoors, which is coincidentally exactly where blood-sucking insects are too. You should never surrender bodily fluids for an opportunity to see live music, especially since they are trying to suck that expensive beer from your bloodstream.

The Sun

You’ve got one of those at home. No need to spend 600 bucks plus airfare and lodging for the California version to burn you up. It’s pretty much the same.

Attractive People

Coachella is where all the hot people congregate to be hot together. That’s intimidating. You’re better off hanging out with your ugly friends in a dark room. At least they’re funny.

First-Degree Arson

Every weekend-long festival since Woodstock ‘99 eventually succumbs to enraged audience members igniting the stages, set designs, and merch guys on fire. That’s just what happens when dehydration sets in.

Dick and Fart Jokes

Blink-182 finally reunited and so did their brand of middle school-level comedy. I’m sorry, but we as a society have advanced to a more sophisticated style of humor, like that of Tenacious D.

TED Talks

The TED Talk stage is usually pretty riveting at Coachella. But this year was just several hours of dudes discussing the benefits of taking cold showers. Please stop trying to ruin warm water for me.

Animal Sacrifice

The goat sacrifice before the Bad Bunny performance was actually pretty sick, but watching a lamb get decimated for the sake of a ritual while waiting for the Frank Ocean set to start seemed like overkill. How much animal sacrifice is too much animal sacrifice?

Operation Ivy Reunion

Festival attendees missed them too. In fact, they didn’t even play Coachella at all. Or reunite. They never will. Neither will your parents. Give it up.


To get the crowds to disband after the finale this year, festival organizers released millions of locusts upon attendees. It’s effective, albeit hazardous.

Live Bands

Bands? Live?! Gross.