DAYTON, Ohio — You settled for talking about Lamb of God with your coworker Nate Hollis after he heard you blasting Autopsy’s “Severed Survival” in the building parking lot, sources report.
“It was so exciting to find out I’m working with a fellow headbanger,” said Hollis. “I didn’t really recognize the band that was playing in his car, but they sounded pretty heavy, so I wanted to know if he had ever checked out Lamb of God. I’ve been listening to them for a couple years now, and I’m pretty sure they’re the best band metal has to offer right now. Aside from them, I’m really into bands like Slipknot and Five Finger Death Punch, and I love the new Metallica album ‘72 Seasons.’ I should ask him if he’s checked it out.”
You figured you might as well talk about Lamb of God with Hollis.
“Beggars can’t be choosers, man,” you said. “In a perfect world, I would find a coworker who wants to talk about the newest albums by bands like Phrenelith or Ulcerate, but that’s definitely wishful thinking, and anyway, I can shoot the shit about Lamb of God with this guy. I bought ‘Ashes of the Wake’ when I was in high school, and I remember enjoying it, so what the hell. I guess I remember enough about them to carry on a conversation, and I’m pretty sure I still have the song ‘As the Palaces Burn’ on an old Spotify workout playlist. Maybe I can get this guy into some actual death metal so I won’t be the only guy here who’s into that type of music.”
Sociologist Kendra Crendall provided her expertise on the situation.
“Death metal fans have a long history of settling when it comes to finding like-minded individuals in professional settings,” Crendall noted. “With such a niche style of music, the chances of finding a fellow fan are very near zero, so any subgenre that’s even remotely close should be seized upon. Frankly, you were very lucky finding a Lamb of God fan at your workplace. I’ve conducted numerous case studies of people starting conversations about bands like Poison and Ratt after seeing a coworker’s Immolation shirt. This is as good as it’s going to get for you, so you made the right move in indulging your coworker.”
At press time, Hollis had invited you to a Disturbed concert next week.