NEW YORK — Slam-dance amateur Conroy Walker somehow finished in last place in the pit at a Sick of it All show last Friday night, despite having no intention of competing, or even knowing that a contest was taking place, pit officials confirmed.
“I just wanted to blow off some steam,” said Walker, dumbstruck by his unknowingly poor performance. “And then they tell me I finished last, which is so bizarre… I mean, I’ve lost bets and drinking contests, but I’ve never lost in the pit. I don’t want to sound cocky, but I thought I did OK in there — I never got winded, and was barely touched.”
As the last chord of the encore faded into background noise, witnesses report five guys who had been in the pit all night approached Walker. Referring to themselves as venerated “Pit Elders,” they informed the also-ran they were very disappointed in his performance.
“We sat Conroy down at the bar, bought him a beer and deconstructed all his moves,” said James “Fuckface” Gardner, a member of the Pit Elders since ’93. “At first, he was like, ‘How can I be bad at something as crude and artless as fucking moshing?’ But after about 20 minutes, it looked like he was starting to get it.”
With their esoteric terms and detailed analytics, the Elders are known as the scene’s foremost experts on pit dynamics and moshing technique — ultimately convincing Walker he truly showed an unequivocal lack of grace in the pit.
“They had all these names for their moves in the pit, like ‘pickin’ up change,’” said Walker. “And they showed me, on my scorecard, that they deducted points from me for ‘emo dancing’ or something, and for not participating in the ‘glorious pile-on.’ It sounds like they really know their shit… even if I still have no idea what any of it means.”
For his lackluster showing, the Pit Elders deemed Walker unworthy of his Cro Mags shirt, forcing the failed mosher to forfeit it off his back and take the subway home naked from the waist up to “reflect on how bad he is at being cool.”